Four years ago, a well-known attorney and blogger from my hometown began referring to me as a “gimp” on his website. Another local blogger, who was not as well-known and who wrote under a pseudonym, published a series of articles on his website referring to me as “Fetal Freddy.”
My name is Frederick Lamar White, Jr., hence “Freddy.” And when I was a teenager, my father died, tragically, after losing control of his car and careening into a couple of pine trees directly across the bayou from our family home. For most of his adult life, despite his tremendous successes, my father struggled, profoundly, with alcoholism and manic depression. So, this anonymous blogger, who appeared to be closely associated with a woman named Von Jennings (who was, at the time, running for Mayor of Alexandria), bestowed upon me the alliterative nickname “Fetal Freddy,” because he claimed that my disability, cerebral palsy, was the result of fetal alcohol syndrome.
Von Jennings, by the way, didn’t receive more than a few hundred votes and finished almost dead-last in the primary. Her unofficial, anonymous campaign blog has been silent ever since. And the other blogger, the attorney who liked to call me a “gimp,” died a couple of years later.
Again, this was years ago, ancient Internet history. I had called both of these bloggers out, repeatedly, for their bigotry and insensitivity, and in the end, in my opinion, the good guys won. But looking back on this, I don’t think I was entirely honest with myself or with my audience: I compartmentalized their public hatred against me as nothing more than desperate politics. I shrugged them off as ignorant, perhaps even sociopathic, and I assured anyone and everyone within the sound of my voice that I was not really bothered, that I was strong and resolute and would not be silenced or intimidated by anyone who sought to run me out of the public square by mocking or attempting to humiliate me because of my disability.
The truth is, though: I was shaken. The first time I read a post calling me “Fetal Freddy,” I broke down in tears- not just because it was disparaging me, but because it was also intended to disparage my mother and my father.
Every time the other blogger called me a “gimp,” I felt more self-conscious about expressing my perspective as a disabled American, more uneasy about photographs that were taken of me in public. In my five years working for the Mayor of Alexandria, I never addressed the City Council once, and I probably could have volunteered to speak on any number of issues. But I never even volunteered. I consciously hid out of sight of the cameras- in the back row or in the corners of the Council chambers- because I knew that there was a man in my community, a lawyer, who would take whatever footage he could find of me and distort it. He’d already found photographs of me taken during a family vacation and altered them to make it appear as if I was wheelchair-bound.
*****
Last week, while making my annual holiday pilgrimage to New Orleans, I met at Pal’s Lounge with a former elected official who knew me, exclusively, because of my website. After about twenty minutes into our conversation, he noticed the way I gripped my pint of beer and asked, politely, “Do you have some sort of palsy?”
I didn’t tell him this at the time, but I was stunned by his question. Don’t get me wrong: I wasn’t offended, not even in the slightest. I was stunned because, I thought, “Wow. How did you not know this about me?”
I’ve written about my disability before, of course. Two years ago, I wrote a post titled “Everyone Has a Disability” about being bullied and assaulted by a drunk girl at the Blue Nile on Frenchman Street. But, for the most part, if I share them at all, I tend to share these experiences on my Facebook, not here on my website.
I didn’t, for example, write about how, only a few months ago and while driving an electric scooter back to my hotel room, I was violently assaulted by a security guard outside of a nightclub at a Las Vegas casino. I didn’t write about how I fell in the pouring rain on the way back to my car after a late-night law school class and how more than a dozen students walked by me and ignored my pleas for a hand up before, finally, a maintenance worker in a golf cart, a man who didn’t speak a word of English, rode by and helped hoist me onto my feet. And I haven’t written about what it’s like to know that, wherever I go, I’m not turning heads because of my supermodel physique; I’m being stared at because I walk funny. Or how small children sometimes seemed scared of me. Or the ways in which adult strangers sometimes condescend to me; how, sometimes, when I’m with a group of friends or family members at a restaurant or at the airport, people ask those accompanying me questions like, “Is he okay?” or “Can he walk on his own?”. I haven’t written about people who think they can cure me with chiropractic massages or magnetic shoes or seaweed juice or ashes from incense burned by their guru.
In part, I haven’t written about these things, because, frankly, I am more interested in writing about other things: Health care, education, racial and economic justice, equal rights, building healthy and vibrant communities. And, in part, I haven’t written about these things because I’d been so beaten down, years ago, that I was afraid.
*****
Two years ago, when the Rising Tide Conference honored me with their annual Ashley Morris Award, I spoke about the importance of exposing yourself to some vulnerability in your writing, how vulnerability can be empowering. It was a lesson first taught to me by my very first creative writing professor, Marsha Recknagel.
Marsha, a native of Shreveport, also introduced me to two powerful books by one of Louisiana’s all-time greatest writers, Andre Dubus.
When he was in his prime, Dubus was left permanently disabled when, while attempting to help a distressed motorist, he was struck by a passing car. He wrote two brilliant and evocative books of short stories and essays, Meditations from a Movable Chair and Broken Vessels.
I’m not sure what, exactly, triggered this for me. Maybe it was having a stranger ask me, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” after watching me walk back to my seat during a Saints game watch party last week, and maybe it also has something to do with Steve Gleason and how he has managed to transcend his disability, shatter stereotypes, and inspire the entire country.
But I made a decision, this year, to be a better and more forceful advocate for the physically, mentally, and developmentally disabled. Or, if you prefer, the physically, mentally, and developmentally challenged. Or, better yet, to paraphrase Steve Gleason, “the superhumans.”
Somehow, I’ve managed to carve out this little place for myself on the Internet, and for some reason, people actually pay attention to the things I say. If there is anything I can do to raise awareness, to educate the public and my neighbors, to advocate for the rights and the basic dignity and humanity of those who, too often, are ridiculed and patronized, and to help repair broken vessels, then I think I must.
Life is too short. No white flags.
CenLamar 
I love you.
Good for you. I’ve always admired your writing and now I admire your character.
Me too!
Lamar, you are one of my heroes.
I have to say that the first time eyes landed on those derogatory names the aforementioned people called you, I personally protested and have never visited any of those blogs after that time. Obviously, time told the true story of their very smallish and (hmmm….trying to think of a nice word…or at least a publishable one) petty existence (<<not as good as what I really want to say). I won't lie, when I first saw the term FF (I refuse to type it out), my heart sunk and I cried with you. What hideous hearted human being could ever say such an awful thing. Waaaaaay beyond the pale. I always thought it was amazing that you shared your talents with little ole Alexandria LA. Even though I don't really "know" you personally, I recognize your writing talent and social presence. I am pretty sure your destiny is to continue to astound us and do great things. Ok, I promise to never write any more gushy comments again. Lol. Long live Lamar White!
What a fine and courageous post, Lamar. I did not know of your superhumanity, but I have long admired the writing on your blog and your conscientiousness in doing the hard work of research and documentation as background to the issues you write about. Please carry on. The attempts at soul-destroying by people with challenges far beyond cerebral palsy take a toll, no matter how well we think we handle them. Thank you for your excellent work, and best wishes as you continue.
Lamar,
Your refusal to let your physical limitations limit the way you attack life is inspiring. I don’t know many who have your courage.
I too am in total agreement with all of the previous comments. I enjoy your writing for many reasons. Your no-punches-pulled manner of expressing your viewpoint coupled with enough historical and personal background information to honestly reflect the origin and growth of your views is primarily one of them. These often leave little doubt as to the character of the author.
The manner in which you were attacked by these individuals is indicative of backwards thinking people and is despicable to the core. The only real thing to be gleaned from such behavior is in the painful awareness of how much work is yet to be done in eliminating it. The notion that anyone choosing public service in any capacity could receive a positive response from a communities’ citizens after such a public display of bigotry is alarming. I commend the manner in which you chose to deal with it, never once getting sucked into the way they wanted you to play their game. They could not have chosen an adversary more capable of delivering a message they so badly needed -yet so miserably failed- to hear. Conversely, advocates of truth, human rights and decency could not have a more worthy champion to voice their sentiments.
To me, honest introspection reveals one of the most admirable and true points of character. Thank you for sharing this intimately revealing, courageous and honest portrait of who Frederick Lamar White Jr. is.
I may not always agree with your viewpoints on a given issue. However, I fully expect to be enlightened in one way or another of issues surrounding a given subject after reading one of your articles. Keep up this good work. Always express the truth as you see it. Your family history, education and insight places you in a remarkable and unique position to make a real difference, especially here in the South. I have little doubt of your keen awareness of this. Never deny it. Too easily many of us feel that someone else will take up the proverbial torch. Someone whose qualifications or life experiences are more suitable for the task. Own the torch Lamar. It is yours. I -and I am sure many others share the same sentiment- will be there whenever possible with water, encouragement, and whatever else you need along the journey.
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