BREAKING: UNITED STATES SENATOR OWNS A HOME IN WASHINGTON, D.C., SHOWS UP FOR JOB

Yesterday, The Washington Post published an explosive story revealing that United States Senator Mary L. Landrieu (D-Louisiana) frequently lives in a house purchased by her and her husband, near her office, which is located on 703 Hart in the Senate Office Building in Washington, D.C.

Louisiana residents have expressed shock and astonishment that their Senior United States Senator, who was sent to represent their interests at the nation’s capital, has been showing up for the job for the last seventeen years. The daughter of the former Mayor of New Orleans and the sister of the current Mayor, Landrieu and her husband are now being criticized by some for having the audacity to attempt to raise their children in a city the voters of Louisiana sent her to work, full-time, on their behalf since 1997. “It’s an insult to the people of Louisiana that Mary Landrieu decided to honor President Obama so much that she thought it’d be better to show up and live in DC,” said Tee-Jean Maldeaux of Morgan City.

Recently, while driving home from his oil and gas firm outside of Baton Rouge, self-described “Louisiana conservative” David St. Pious III, with one hand on the tan leather steering wheel of his new white Range Rover and another precariously perching on the dash a small go-cup filled with Hendricks Gin and a splash of tonic, expressed to me his concerns. “We’re not sending anyone there to work with these people,” he said. “I hear this lady doesn’t even own a home in Louisiana anymore. She’s, like, a renter at her parent’s house. You can’t rent a house in Louisiana and expect to be treated like a citizen.” St. Pious adds, “Not that I blame anyone for moving their assets. I haven’t paid state income tax in ten years, because I’ve got a condo in Dallas and declare everything there.”

“Don’t misquote me on that,” he says, “I pay everything else. It’s a business arrangement. I’m just saying to you that she is not a citizen anymore.”

“Senator Landrieu’s physical address is in Washington, D.C.,” said John Cummins, Congressman Bill Cassidy’s communication’s director. “But more importantly, she votes like a D.C. resident. On issues that are important to people in her former state, like Obamacare, approving anti-energy EPA nominees and supporting Harry Reid, Mary Landrieu does not vote like a Louisianan. Dr. Cassidy is with you, he’s living and working in Louisiana and will represent Louisiana values in the U.S. Senate.” 

Trudy Contaumplat of Oakdale agrees with Cummins. “I hear that Cummins kid lives in DC, so he would know if Congressman Cassidy isn’t actually working there,” she says. “I’m not surprised, though. The Republicans stopped working the moment Barack Hussein Obama was elected. We elected them to be do-nothings, ya’heard? And that’s what they’ve done. Nothing. It’s fine by me. We got Bobby Jindal, who has been here every single day since he put his hand on the Bible.”

Although Landrieu has been a resident and citizen of Louisiana for her entire life and although she continues to pay Louisiana state income tax, critics argue that the controversy could have been avoided if she simply bought her own house in Louisiana. “She didn’t really need to live there full-time. Obviously, that’d be impossible,” said one Republican operative who asked to remain anonymous. “She could have bought a small house in one of those trendy neighborhoods, put it up on AirBnB, and made a bunch of money. I hear there’s a big market in New Orleans, and no one could fault a savvy investor.”

Wayne Johns, who works in computer sales in Lake Charles, asks simply, “Does Cassidy even know what the job is? If you’re in the Senate, you’re supposed to live in DC. We’re not electing people to stay in high-priced hotel rooms for years.”

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Disclaimer to Moon Griffon: Only one of these quotes is factual; the rest are complete fiction. The story, however, is still true. Every now and then, satire seems appropriate.