According to The News Star, a man known colloquially as Negaduck and a cousin of America’s most well-known Duck families is considering running to replace Congressman Vance McAllister, who decided to forgo re-election after surveillance footage showing him and a family friend kissing one another in the Congressman’s district office. Although Darkwing Duck, the family patriarch, has remained relatively quiet in recent years, he has branched out into politics. Many attribute McAllister’s surprise success at the polls to the endorsement he picked up from another local family patriarch, Willie Robertson, who, like Darkwing, earned millions from his family reality show and became a worldwide celebrity.
But there’s no love lost between the Robertsons and the Ducks.
“There’s another family in West Monroe, and they’ve earned a fortune by trying to trick my family members into having sex with them, then murdering them in cold blood,” Darkwing said. “It’s time for the Duck family to fly together, to stand up to these duck murderers.”
“People think Negaduck is my evil twin,” Darkwing said. “I guess it was a convenient way to attract attention to the show. But the truth is, Nega is actually a cousin of mine, and he’s probably the smartest and most compassionate duck you’ll ever know. He’s also one helluva an actor. He could build his own nuclear reactor when he was just a teenager, like that kid in Arkansas. That’s not a ‘special power;’ that’s just genius.”
The News Star also reported that Willie Robertson is attempting to recruit one of his cousins, Zach Dasher, a pharmaceutical rep to run for the vacant seat, telling The News Star, ““He’s one of the smartest young guys I know, and if we convince him to run, he’ll have the full support of the family.” Dasher’s resume may be less impressive than Negaduck’s and his understanding and support of natural law may concern most voters, but the Robertson clan have suddenly fashioned themselves into political kingmakers.
“I’m doing this for my family,” Nega said, “and all of the hundreds of my cousins and friends whose only crime was enjoying nature. For that, they were the victims of genocide. We need and demand justice. My first order of business will be to pass hate crimes legislation against the murder of sentient ducks and, secondly, to ban the manufacturing of those immoral duck sex objects produced right here in Ouachita Parish. I also support expanding Medicaid, reducing taxes on the middle class, recognizing civil rights for gay and lesbian Louisianians, restructuring farm subsidies, and reinvesting in our public schools.”
This race could get interesting. In a final parting shot, Darkwing offered his opinion of the Duck Dynasty fashion. “We are all actors, but if you look at those photos the family took on the beach a few years ago, you don’t see the scruffy, down-to-earth, bearded mystics that they present on their show,” Darkwing said. “You see a bunch of rich white boys on a beautiful beach, no beards, expensive clothes. It’s a glimpse into who they really are. My family and I have dressed the same way for our entire lives. We’re not being paid to pretend to be people we’re not.” Adding, “they’d all look better with a cape.”