Pineville Republican Representative Chris Hazel wants to know what sexual intercourse means.

Okay, that’s not an entirely accurate statement.

Put more precisely, the freshman Representative is introducing a bill that would clarify the meaning of sexual intercourse between a john and a prostitute. Apparently, Hazel believes the term “sexual intercourse,” which is what is currently on the books, is not broad enough. Jeremy Alford at The Gambit reports:

There are still lingering questions – even in Louisiana -as to how current laws are being applied to prostitution violations. In fact, Rep. Lowell C. Hazel, a freshman Republican from Pineville, wants the Louisiana Legislature to go into greater detail regarding illegal activities between a hooker and a john. Right now, state law generally refers to “sexual intercourse,” with only brief illustrations. Hazel’s House Bill 40 would clarify that “sexual intercourse includes oral, anal or vaginal intercourse.” Hazel, a former prosecutor, says he has long been concerned about the Clintonesque definition currently on the books, which is vague enough to allow some wiggle room, albeit minimal, under certain conditions. “I’m just worried that someone skilled enough could find a way around the current law,” Hazel says. “This would close that loophole.”

Mr. Alford, Hazel goes by Chris, not Lowell.

But more importantly, what kind of “brief illustrations” are on the books? Whaaa?

To Mr. Hazel, seriously?

Considering that johns are rarely prosecuted, I wonder what real “loopholes” this would close. And even when johns are prosecuted, it’s usually for solicitation of an undercover officer.

So who are you going after?

Savvy and well-lawyered prostitutes who will elaborately claim that their entire enterprise is legitimate because money is being exchanged for other types of sexual intercourse not specifically named in present law?

That would be a hilarious trial.

Lest I be accused of being a complete and total pervert, I will simply direct you to the Discovery Health website, which reveals that your list may not be complete. (And because your list isn’t complete, one could argue that any list that attempts to catalog all forms of human sexual behavior would, by its very nature, be incomplete. Some people are freaks/into freaky, weird things).

By the way, Hazel’s campaign was helped out, in large part (over $70,000), by the Louisiana Committee for a Republican Majority (LCRM), a political action committee that was the brainchild of Senator David Vitter, who, ironically, will be pleading the fifth amendment in the DC Madam trial.

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